Crouch, that hurts

I like Peter Crouch. There’s a connection with the big fella. We both love a sour cream Pringle, spontaneously break into robot impressions and enjoy the company of unfeasibly fit women. In May, 'two metre Peter' also nodded in the most important goal in recent Spurs history while making Kolo Toure dangle in the air like an Abidjan street puppet. What’s not to like.

Yet, according to those moral standard bearers, the News of the World Big Pete has gone and done the dirty on fiancée and Tottenham’s first lady Abigail Clancy (who stood in so admirably last season for the on loan Danielle Lloyd-O’Hara). I almost gagged on my coke. The Daily Mail claimed these unproven allegations of a highly personal nature had brought new shame to the England football team for which Crouch was not selected. My Lithuanian hooker and I both agreed, it was a dreadful state of affairs and immediately boycotted Wednesday’s England vs Hungary friendly.

Now dear Abi has apparently sought solace from tabloid tormented Toni Terry who has similarly suffered from unproven allegations in the French letter department regarding former 'Daddy of the Year' and 'hubby of the moment' John Terry. I bet Abi and Toni are on the Chablis now..half way into a Sex and the City boxset.

So will Abi ditch Crouchy and SMS your Lust Doctor for a Cheryl and Derek style vacation (sans malaria)? Will the big fella poke another one in against Manchester City on Saturday and give the Paxton an impromptu pole dance by the corner flag? Paul the Psychic Octopus’s mobile is engaged so I couldn’t tell you.

But let’s hope they make it away from the sleazy glare of the tabloid spotlight. The best thing about the breaking up is the making up. So Abi: “Whatever Crouchy said, whatever Crouchy did, he didn’t mean it (he was wankered), he just wants you back for good...wants you back...wants you back...he wants you back for good."