The alternative transfer window deadline day (Bryan Swanson free)

11.33pm A last gasp snafu. Spurs miss out on Charlie Adam by a couple of minutes after two Blackpool shareholder signatures could not be found in time. The window closes, the madness ends. Phew! Goodnight and thanks for joining me......

10.54pm Spurs try to sign Blackpool midfielder Charlie Adam with six minutes to go in the window. 1 hour 6 minutes on Levy's naughty fax machine! Genius.

10.34pm Desperate times require desperate measures. Daniel Levy resets Spurs fax machine clock to 9.33pm. Not looking hopeful....

10.16pm The bars of Santander rejoice. Alcohol sponge Giovani Dos Santos has joined Spanish outfit Racing Santander on loan until the end of the season. Can 'Desperate Dan' pull a late rabbit out of the hat? Just don't be a Harewood......

9.02pm Emile Heskey fails Spurs medical after tripping over running machine.

8.34pm Kevin Bond wakes up and reality flips on its head. A mysterious helicopter lands at Spurs Lodge.

7.20pm Daniel Levy looks in his pocket for a small plastic cockerel he keeps as a 'totem'. It's not there. He suddenly considers this deadline day may not be real but part of Kevin Bond's mad dream.

7.07pm Rossi talks break down. Daniel Levy opens another pack of Match Attax for signing ideas. Worringly, Carlton Cole is in the packet along with Lucas Fabianski.

6.52pm Emile Heskey's helicopter is circling Norwich. "Don't land here," stress local airspace officials. Farmers with pitchforks take to the fields.

6.32pm Daniel Levy is deep in transfer talks with Rossi's agent in a local tapas bar. He is served anchovies on toast by none other than former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez!

6.10pm Unconfirmed reports that Francis Rossi of Status Quo is in advanced talks with Daniel Levy in Villareal. Kevin Bond is having a nap.

5.51pm Never underestimate the power of the white wine spritzer. 'Desperate Dan' Levy has flown to Spain to sign someone who is good up front. Penelope Cruz's agent is unavailable for comment.

5.41pm Reports that Spurs have swooped for Porto's Colombian striker Falcao have been lost in translation. Sky Sports understands it is former hitman Mark Falco, 50, who impressed Harry Redknapp in a recent trial (doing his laundry).

5.15pm Tottenham's bid to sign Everton captain Phil Neville is foiled following a dispute over image rights.

4.28pm Spurs fail in late bid for Carroll. Veteran Vorderman turns down offer after dispute over add-ons.

4.04pm It's a no-go. Mido is rioting in Egypt. Nothing to do with the political situation. His local supermarket has run out of houmous.

3.51pm El Hadji Diouf is arrested on arrival at Stansted Airport for 65 separate offences. Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in Birmingham. Carlton Cole enjoys a roast at the Dorchester. An intoxicated Daniel Levy makes a desperate bid for Tottenham old boy Mido.

3,35pm Sensational new Spurs striker target revealed at http://oi54.tinypic.com/160xut1.jpg

3.24pm Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in London. Kevin Bond loses to Stipe Pletikosa in a tense game of 'Connect 4'.

3.20pm Inspired by Ian Holloway's 'bag of carrots' comment, Daniel Levy tables bids for a number of auburn-haired players including James Collins, Paul Kitson and former White Hart Lane hero Gary Doherty.

3.15pm On board his flight to London, El Hadji Diouf's gold lamé dressing gown is caught in the plane toilet door. Fortunately, a carefully placed toblerone protects his modesty. Daniel Levy orders another white wine spritzer.

3pm Carlton Cole 'mercs' West Ham newboy Robbie Keane by using his mobile to bombard Karren Brady with suggestive texts.

2.58pm Daniel Levy orders a white wine spritzer in Stansted Airport business lounge. Where is El Hadji Diouf? Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in Newcastle, Sunderland and Glasgow.

2.41pm Richard Keys signs for Werewolfsburg Over-50s team in Germany.

2.38pm Emile Heskey is refused permission to land in Manchester, Liverpool, Blackburn, Wigan and Blackpool.

2.23pm Emile Heskey's helicopter takes to the skies. Stephen Bywater denies rumours of a move to Tottenham. "See you next Tuesday," he tells the Derby County tea lady.

2.07pm El Hadji Diouf tells an attractive BMI stewardess he is a pilot. "That's handy," she says, "because I'm shooting you down." A furious Diouf waves his toblerone.

2pm In a desperate attempt to force a transfer, new EDF energy customer Emile Heskey rents a helicopter.

1.54pm Jermain Defoe takes 'Showgirls' on loan from the Loughton Blockbuster.

1.45pm Carlton Cole tells a red-faced Robbie Keane he can't wait to meet David Gold's 'world class striker'.

1.41pm Emile Heskey's phone rings. A customer service employee from EDF Energy explains their winter price freeze.

1.38pm Daniel Levy changes the time on Tottenham's fax machine.

1.29pm El Hadji Diouf books into Manchester Airport wearing a gold lamé dressing gown. He is not searched by airport security. Diouf buys a toblerone for Daniel Levy.

1.09pm Emile Heskey waits anxiously by his phone. It does not ring.

1pm A fully nude El Hadji Diouf drives to Manchester Airport at 140mph. Daniel Levy thinks it would be fun to have an entirely bald team and tables bids for Andy Johnson, Brad Friedel, Stephen Ireland and Phillip Senderos among others.

12.53pm Spurs Olympic Stadium charm offensive backfires. A call to athletics legend Sally Gunnell accidentally leads to a bid for lookalike Diego Forlan.

12.40pm Richard Keys is told by his wife that he will not be 'hanging out the back of it' for some time. Andy Gray 'fools around' with a cucumber at his local Waitrose. "It's just banter," he tells a young female employee who arms herself with a can of Lynx.

12.31pm El Hadji Diouf takes off his shirt and walks into a strip club where he is stopped by a bouncer. "This is a topless bar, no?" rages Diouf.

12.23pm Carlton Cole walks into a door distracted by Robbie Keane's pointing and shouting. David Gold looks up from his copy of Razzle.

12.14pm Bryan Swanson understands basic algebra. Spurs ITKs say move for Turkish international 'Algebra' is a done deal.

12.02pm Back at the Spurs training ground, a terrified Heurelho Gomes is chased by a wasp. A Spurs ITK 'spots Benzema'....it's Alan Hutton in a ridiculous coat.

11.56am El Hadji Diouf winds down the window of his Mercedes SLR McClaren to spit at an elderly nun.

11.53am Gregorz Rasiak's agent receives a phone call and high-fives his client in jubilation. 'Welcome to the McDonald's family!'

11.46am Daniel Levy is nervous. He always gets this way before Bargain Hunt is on TV. He receives an obscene text from El Hadji Diouf.

11.37am Wilson Palacios gives the ball away to Steven Pienaar in training. Pienaar then gives the ball away to Palacios. This pattern continues for three straight minutes.

11.35am Blackburn immediately accept Spurs surprise bid for Diouf and the Senegalese shirt-puller heads to London for talks. He stops off at his favourite 'restaurant' Greggs to moon at the women behind the counter.

11.26am Harry Redknapp tells bemused homeless man he 'doesn't expect any business' before the end of the window. Giovani Dos Santos looks disappointed.

11.23am Daniel Levy goes into a newsagent and buys a pack of Match Attax. He opens the foil and lodges official bids for every player including Senegalese bad man El Hadji Diouf.

11.18am All around the country ITKs begin their arduous climb up trees near Premier League training grounds.

11.16am Carlton Cole misses an open goal in training.

2.22am Daniel Levy falls asleep soothed by Phil Collins' astute life commentary. What will the next 21 hours bring? Check back later for further updates and disappointment.

2.08am Daniel Levy plays 'Against all odds' by Phil Collins on his iPod. Ponders bid for Andy's 'younger brother' Carlton.

2.00am Daniel Levy turns off Babestation.

1.52am Harry Redknapp accidentally calls his wife 'Sandro' during pillow talk.

1.38am Wilson Palacios makes successful pass. It's wind.

1.27am Daniel Levy bids £17m for Andy Cole and is politely told he has retired by Cole's bleary-eyed agent. "For the night?," asks Daniel.

1.26am Phil Dowd makes bacon sandwich.

1.15am Joe Jordan headbutts bedstand.

1.11am Andy Carroll leaves bar, punches passing pigeon as it 'reminds me of a southern shite cockerel.'

1.08am Kevin Bond's nightlight goes out.

1.04am Daniel Levy turns on Babestation.

12.57am Daniel Levy sings 'East London is ours' in the bath. His wife banishes him to the sofa bed.

12.54am A worried Diego Forlan visits the toilet. His pee hurts.

12.50am Sergio Aguero sends bewildering SMS to Diego Forlan. 'What is a Hotspur? Is it contagious?'

12.46am Christian Gross' famous travelcard 'of dreams' is listed on eBay.

12.41am Karren Brady has 'sexist' dream.

12.25am Kevin Bond fills hot water bottle, accidentally burns hand.

12.23am Sergio Aguero Googles 'Tottenham Hotspur'.

12.21am Kevin Bond considers filling hot water bottle.

12.18am Robbie Keane kisses wife goodnight after joining 'boyhood club' West Ham United.

12.15am Kevin Bond makes ovaltine.

12.12am Super-agent Willie McKay adds Harry Redknapp to speed dial, beats Domino's deadline to order pepperoni pizza.

12.07am Daniel Levy bids £3.11 for an iPad on bid.tv. Sadly, this was not a unique bid as Kerry Katona bid the same.

12.02am Spurs linked to Ajax's Belgian centre-half and defensive midfielder Jan Vertonghen. His best mate is Thomas Vermaelen. Hopefully, his football skills are greater than his character judgments.

12am Check here for live updates throughout transfer deadline day. Bryan Swanson ist verboten!

Fulham were ‘hanging out the back of it’

Will the easily offended please look away. Fulham ‘smashed it’ on Sunday and after 90 minutes they were ‘hanging out the back of it’. No doubt, former Sky Sports commentator and ‘werewolf-in-progress’ Richard Keys would approve.

This was a game where a toothless Spurs ran out of luck and lacked the strength in midfield or cutting edge up front to make inroads against an improved Fulham outfit. The long-term absence of Tom Huddlestone and temporary unavailability of Gareth Bale left Spurs’ midfield with an array of midgets who would be better served protecting the confectionery-related interests of William Wonka. The continuing omission of Niko Kranjcar is curious. Is Harry Redknapp (deep intake of breath) displaying ‘tall-ism’?

This cup tie was over as a spectacle within 15 minutes following kamikaze defending by the usually reliable Michael Dawson. Sadly, our likeable captain had an absolute shocker. His sloppy pass played in the paper-ankled Clint Dempsey for the first penalty. Hutton’s challenge merited a spot-kick, but Dempsey’s theatrical tumble made sure.

The hapless Dawson then clearly pulled back Dembele’s shirt in the area (having fortuitously got away with a carbon copy offence against Newcastle last week) and the portly Phil Dowd was so excited the red card literally flew out of his pocket, presumably because his chubby fingers were unable to negotiate such a small space. We wish the blubbery official luck in his continuing battle with obesity. By the ‘letter of the law’, Dowd was correct, but it’s a shame referees regularly fail to spot this infringement when Nemanja Vidic is the perpetrator. He could probably murder and receive a booking.

I had to blink a few times to make sure Gerry Francis wasn’t in charge. Tottenham’s tiny midfield was swamped and a nervy Gomes overwhelmed. The Brazilian’s hesitancy led to an unnecessary corner which the Norwegian behemoth Hangeland converted before Dembele finished superbly as Spurs players backed off in injury time.

There was no Gareth Bale and therefore no rip-roaring comeback. And so one dream is over, but amid the disappointment it’s important to remember a few others remain.

Luka Modric (fly like a G6)

Spurs play Fulham on Sunday and hopefully our FA Cup will overfloweth with joy rather than fall flatter than Keira Knightley’s (A Cup) pancakes. A visit to Craven Cottage is one of the highlights of the away fan’s calendar, this compact stadium has great character (it’s rumoured Hansel and Gretel live in the cottage in the corner) and the view across the Thames is like no other in domestic football. It’s a lovely spot to sip a beer and devour a foot long hot dog.

The travelling Yid Army will be in good voice thanks to the many fine watering holes in close proximity and a skinful tempting 4.30pm kick-off, but our lack of original songs continues to grate. The same two or three chants are used again and again to celebrate new heroes and old. Where are our working class Lloyd-Webbers? Let’s have some fresh Tottenham tunes with a contemporary feel and sing Spurs into the fifth round (see suggestion below). “Bill Gallas, you’re a firework!?!?!”

'LUKA MODRIC' (FLY LIKE A G6)

Croatian spraying passes, like a wizard.
He could make goals in a desert or a blizzard.
Took us to the Champions League from the Top Six.
Oh how we love Luka, Luka Modric.
Luka Modric! Luka Modric!
Oh how we love Luka, Luka Modric.
Luka Modric! Luka Modric!
Oh how we love Luka, Luka Modric.

Redknapp toys with 'dwarf formation'

Four-time Tottenham manager David Pleat analyses his former club’s tactics on the Premier League stage.

"Tottenham Hotspur’s last gasp equaliser at Newcastle United was a vindication of Harry Redknapp’s new ‘dwarf formation'.

"Steven Pienaar, Aaron Lennon, Jermain Defoe and Luka Modric are refused entry on most fairground rides, but they are also small enough to enjoy a bird’s eye view up a Geordie lass’s criminally short skirt. This was naturally unsettling for the passionate home crowd who are proud of the local ladies’ streetwalker fashion sense. The tension on ninety minutes was palpable.

"It is often said Peter Crouch doesn’t make the most of his height, but those in the game know he’s actually two players, one small man standing on another’s shoulders. Look for the kneecaps poking out of ‘Crouch’s’ match shirt. The less attractive man is at the bottom with the swarve Abi Clancy puller on top.

"It’s a fiendishly clever tactic perfected by two celebrated dwarf acrobats and inspired by the pantomime horse in 1980s kids programme Rentaghost. It also explains Crouch’s lack of basic co-ordination in front of goal. It’s hard to shoot with a small man on top of you. However, against Newcastle, the top Crouch ably backflicked a header to prowling lady magnet Defoe to tee up the zigzagging Lennon’s delightful equaliser.

"Speculation mounts as the transfer window closes and it has been suggested Redknapp is eyeing yet more little people including veterans Kenny Baker and Verne Troyer. Anyone who can stick a spherical leather object past a gloved man standing in a net would be most welcome."

Strat’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it!?!?

Many of the Tottenham vs Stratford arguments have been inarticulate and prone to the kind of pointing and shouting you might expect between obese family members on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Those hoping for a calm, intelligent discussion between differing viewpoints have often been sorely disappointed. One brainiac even threatened to smash up anyone involved in Spurs' potential move to Stratford: “We will come round your houses,” he said darkly. That pink blur you saw was a toy being thrown out of a pram. At least, I hope it was.

I expect this 'supporter' was cheering wildly when that bint with a bedsheet interrupted half-time pints and pies during last Sunday’s game against Manchester United. I was less than impressed. There is no room for such protests during a Spurs match. Support your team in the stadium or wait for the next spontaneous fire extinguisher drop at Millbank.

The more angry the anti-Stratford movement becomes, the more they push me and those in the middle ground or wavering Eastwards. Few arguments are won by pointing and shouting (Google ‘free kicks won by Robbie Keane’ on the internet, if you don’t believe me). I have total solidarity for those who were born or have roots in Tottenham and the surrounding area. Their sincerity and reasoning in wishing Spurs to remain in N17 is beyond dispute.

There are many coherent arguments for staying in Tottenham, but too few have been articulated. Screaming 'You're not Tottenham!' at anyone with an opposing view does not present a compelling case. I heard a rare, fine point on ‘The Spurs Show’ where one fan talked movingly about Bill Nicholson’s ashes being sprinkled at White Hart Lane and asking, ‘Would he have wanted to move to Stratford?' Emotive, but in a positive and poignant way. Why is White Hart Lane so special? I like to think back to one of my greatest nights as a Spurs fan. I was a young whippersnapper at the 1984 UEFA Cup final second leg when Graham Roberts lifted that big silver vase after an electric night at our famous stadium. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I remember that epic shoot-out, the Spurs supporters proudly singing Danny Thomas' name seconds after he missed a cup-winning penalty. Did the Chelsea fans do that for John Terry at the Champions League Final? You know the answer.

Identical twins were sat behind me on the final Anderlecht penalty. One could not bare to look, the other kept his eyes firmly on the pitch as Tony Parks prepared to face the crucial spot-kick. Seconds later, absolute bedlam; Eidur Gudjohnsen’s dad missed the penalty and Eidur Gudjohnsen’s mum duly burst into tears in the row in front of me.

Can this place of such magical memories be laid to waste? Sadly, it will be torn down regardless. Football is a business now, of course. It’s not Daniel Levy’s job to regenerate a rundown North London wasteland. He is, however, a renowned ballbreaker around the business table. His brinkmanship in the transfer market is legendary. Opposing chairmen must dread a Levy phone call. Indeed, former Spurs Chairman Alan Sugar (who has also backed the Stratford move) described Levy as the hardest man he has ever done business with. ‘Praise’ indeed. If Levy can save £1 million on the stadium build, you know he will. I have heard arguments that the revised plans for the Northumberland Park Development will ‘only’ cost a further £X million* (*the true figure is in dispute and open to debate)? Would these fans spend millions of their own money when a cheaper alternative was viable? Probably not.

This is a case of business interests versus self-serving politicians with cold logic and over-heated emotions torn somewhere inbetween. Let’s look at the positives again. We finally have the wonderful team we deserve after countless years of dross and underachievement (epitomised, for me, by a £5 million Ben Thatcher). It’s no coincidence this rise in fortunes has happened on ENIC’s watch after the dark Sugar years. When Levy and co took over Spurs in 2001, the club was choking on its own underachievement. Rafael van der Vaart would have only stopped in Tottenham to buy a kebab after driving back from Highbury. Now we are competitive again and trailblazing in the Champions League; I no longer have to hide my Spurs programme inside a copy of Razzle on the tube journey home. I love it.

Spurs have unfortunately been drawn into the murky world of sport-politics. A single serving athletics venue for the only London Olympics in our lifetime is a farce of a ‘legacy’. Great word that ‘legacy’, one FIFA loves to band around while hawking the World Cup to the highest bidder. The Olympic Stadium is the biggest architectural embarrassment since the cringeworthy Millennium Dome. That white elephant was eventually revitalised and turned profitable by AEG and now stands as the glorious O2 Arena, arguably the best entertainment venue in Europe. And who are Spurs’ partners in the proposed Stratford project....none other than AEG. Could lightning strike twice? Should it? I don't pretend to know the answer.

West Ham’s proposal including an athletics track in a football stadium is laughable, but what would you expect from former porn impresarios Davids Gold and Sullivan, a two-day old sandwich has more substance. Part of me would like West Ham’s ‘Chuckle Brothers’ to lose the Olympic Stadium bid just to watch the life drain from their smug faces like the baddies in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. You never know, Karren Brady may be forced into a glamour shoot to ‘make ends meet’. I won’t be buying that issue.

The Hammers can’t fill a 35,000 stadium for a home cup semi-final at reduced prices. The fanbase is just not there. West Ham moving into the Olympic Stadium would be like a gypsy living in a six-bedroomed house with similarly damaging results.

That’s not to say Spurs should win the bid either. A serious reservation for me is leaving South London club Arsenal as the only remaining North London club. However, those who live in North London (like I do) know that the majority of fans in the area already support the Gunners. So the effect would be most pronounced in the inevitable (and justifiable) mocking songs from our great rivals.

So what’s the solution? Either path leads to unhappiness and unfortunate friction between our fans. First of all, local MP David Lammy needs to consider his words more carefully and let positive actions do the talking. Haringey Council has to see Tottenham as a privilege and not a right and come to a middle ground solution on the additional costs of the new stadium. It is borderline arrogant to suggest that a private enterprise such as THFC, which is the financial lifeblood of the area, should be held to ransom to regenerate it in the midst of a recession. Businesses run on sentiment last no longer than a year.

I would like to see Spurs remain in Tottenham but not at the risk of the club’s long-term financial health and ability to compete at the highest level. Whatever is the best cost-effective option, I support whole-heartedly. None of us truly know which stadium best fulfils that criteria as the air is heavy with political bluster and overblown sentiment.

It would have been better for Spurs fans had Paris, the logical choice, won the bid for 2012 Olympics. The plan for the Olympic Stadium and its legacy was poorly conceived at best. In an ideal world, Stratford would probably remain as a deserted 60,000 athletics venue with tumbleweeds instead of West Ham fans. This way the politicians and self-serving decision makers would be crushed under the weight of their own white elephant.

This won’t happen though. What will, is my undying support of Spurs, be it in Tottenham or Stratford. I hope you’ll join me there.

Rooney ‘blanked’ in Tottenham

The grandfathers of the nation’s capital breathed a collective sigh of relief on Sunday night as Wayne Rooney left London.

“We don’t like him and his sort,” croaked local pensioner Alfie Cornwallet, 77. “We call ‘em ‘silver surfers’. They nick our best birds because they have a bit of cash and a working immune system. The bastards even join SAGA and turn up on senior coach holidays wearing grey wigs and Brut aftershave. It ain’t right.”

Rooney’s lack of success on and off the pitch led to a petulant yellow card and bout of foot-stomping as mop-headed Brazilian Rafael saw red for the type of desperate lunge you used to associate with Ritzy’s nightclub at chucking out time. He should have been dismissed earlier for attempting to mount Wilson Palacios without the offer of dinner and a movie.

Spurs were marginally the better team, but the United defence, expertly marshalled by Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand, stood firm in the face of persistent pressure rather than clearcut chances. Veteran William Gallas was again majestic alongside skipper Michael Dawson in what looks like our preferred partnership at the back. Since Dawson’s return from serious injury, we’ve seen more clean sheets than a Persil ad. It feels good for those of us who remember the human sieve Stuart Nethercott.

Luka Modric, as always, was the sublime prompter and passer (he is the heartbeat which makes Spurs tick) whereas Aaron Lennon showed encouraging spark on the right flank, but Tottenham lacked the slice of fortune or brilliance that would have claimed an overdue three points against the league leaders and title favourites.

There were no Manchester United penalties, offside/rule-breaking goals, Tottenham red cards or unnoticed Spurs shots over the line. Howard Webb and Mark Clattenburg were tonight unavailable for comment.

Modric mistaken for God

If you see Luka Modric, bow down and genuflect. Apparently, the mini-Croatian can turn water into wine and produce enough loaves to put your local Greggs out of business. He might visit your foxy daughter in a shower of rain and seal an immaculate conception. Keep her indoors unless you fancy a mini-playmaker of your own.

Yes, it was Charlton, but the simple introduction of Modric turned Sunday’s FA Cup encounter on its head like a Joey Barton lunge. The qualities of Rafael Van der Vaart and Gareth Bale are undeniable, but with far less fanfare the Croatian schemer is Tottenham’s player of the season to date. The midfield flows through him like the reincarnation of Ossie Ardiles.

The starting midfield was, until that point, unbalanced; the defensively minded Wilson Palacios and rough diamond Sandro did not have the offensive ability or inclination to be brave and take risks against lower league opposition determined to defend en masse and hoping to sneak a goal on the counter.

You might think Palacios would gain some confidence or show some quality against inferior players, but there was no discernable difference. The king of the misplaced pass still managed to find opposing players with his poorly-conceived delivery. It appeared significant that the experienced Honduran was subbed at half-time rather than the rookie Sandro and the young Brazilian looked bright alongside Modric and livewire debutant Andros Townsend in the second half where Spurs suddenly threatened to score a hatful.

The transfer window is wide open and the associated hysteria in full flow and it seems Robbie Keane, David Bentley and Giovani Dos Santos will be heading out. With Tom Huddlestone and Sandro more reliable 'defensive' options alongside the magician Modric, I think it’s time for Wilson to follow.

Police hunt for Bale attacker

Police in Liverpool are searching for a man after superstar footballer Gareth Bale was assaulted near Stanley Park on Wednesday evening.

Superintendent Billy Burns, Merseyside Police, picks up the story: “At around 9.20pm, we received a call from a very distressed Brazilian gentleman claiming his friend’s life was in danger from an ‘angry blue man’.

“The photofit of the suspect is quite frankly hideous,” continued Burns. “He has a face like curdled milk with scarecrow hair that has been combed down to present the illusion of humanity, and a dead look in his eyes which suggests he has witnessed hell itself. The person of interest was wearing a blue short-sleeved top and white jogging shorts featuring the numbers ‘1’ and ‘8’.

*** Merseyside Police Update *** “Following exhaustive enquiries we have identified the suspect as footballer Phil Neville and found he has no case to answer,” confirmed Superintendent Burns. “We can’t send someone to prison for being a simple wanker....as much as we’d like to. Matchdays are a busy time for us already as robbing footballers’ houses during games is an important part of the local economy.

“It seems the witness of South American origin is easily worried. He also claimed a member of the 'Real IRA' had chucked a handgrenade at him on the very same evening. We have CCTV footage that clearly proves this was nothing more than a tame header from Seamus Coleman.”

# In a Premier League football match on Wednesday, Tottenham Hotspur succumbed to relentless second half pressure against an inspired Everton side. However, despite the 1-2 reverse, the Londoners remain well-placed in fourth.

Angry scenes mar Fulham game

Tottenham’s 11th match unbeaten was marred by trouble in the away end.

A member of the Fulham firm, who is also a regular poster on Mums.net, explained. “Tensions were high. Those seats at the front didn’t have cushions or drink holders. The wheels of two Bugaboo prams got locked on the concourse and then all hell broke lose. Even the babies were arguing in their own high-pitched language. St. John’s Ambulance had to tend to one Cottager who was struck down by a flying dummy.

“The refreshment facilities were a disgrace. We asked for Patatas Bravas and they said he wasn’t working today. Many of us decided to boycott the match and return to Putney in protest. Unfortunately, it took us two hours to find a black cab, let alone hail one.”

Spurs' performance lacked the sparkle of previous games, but like all good teams they got the job done despite a bright display from the visiting side. The returning William Gallas slotted in seamlessly at the back and won the free-kick which goal machine Gareth Bale converted with an adroit header.

The rock-like Michael Dawson showed admirable composure with a crucial goal-line clearance when Fulham seemed destined to equalise while Luka Modric excelled once more in the middle of the park. Often Modric is surrounded by a forest of three or four players, but somehow he always skips through them and finds a Spurs player in a dangerous position.

The transfer window is now open and a desperate Robbie Keane is stuck in the frame, halfway in, halfway out. This game illustrated yet again Spurs' need for a top class replacement. Matters will improve when Jermain Defoe returns from suspension, but the sky is the limit if we can conjure up a Benzema, Suarez or Fabiano in January. Over to you, Mr. Levy.